A Long Longing in December

Exactly 365 years days ago I was alone. But not lonely. I was in a place that I call home, with the green-flowery curtain that hung on the window, and the pots of plants that lined nicely by the window, welcoming me every time I walk in through the door.

I remembered noticing the first snow falling some time in November while I was sitting by the window. And the thought of him came on to me as the first snow fell into the grass that has now turned dry. My memory flew right back to when we first held hands, and imagined how nice it would be if we could do that under the snow. Oh, how I wish I could share this first drop of snow with him…

***

I took my baret, put on my boots, slightly carelessly stuffing in a pair of gloves into the side pockets of my jacket, and threw it over my shoulder – putting it on me. I walked out into the thinly-snow-layered-grass on the side of my apartment building. I can hear the crisp sound of the snow every time I step on it – a sound that I can still hear until now every time winter (was supposed) to come.

The weather that day is nice, the sun shines warmly, as bright as it gets in a December as far up north as this place. The wind is calm, not too cold. The falling snow only adds up to the beauty of a mid day in mid December. I looked up to the clock on the bus stop – 12.53. The bus will come in 2 minutes, I am on time.

***

In 18 minutes I was already in the city center. I stepped down, breathe the fresh air of the city that is now a mix of flowers, leather goods, vegetables, and Christmas. Yes, Christmas. The whole city looks and feel like Christmas, with the ornaments and lights everywhere. The huge Jultre in the middle of the city is impossible to not be noticed, especially with the lights around it. But I love it. This Christmas will be my third Christmas. None of them was with him.

As I stroll around, looking for inspiration for Christmas gifts, I can’t help but feeling that love is indeed all around. The red color. The gifts. The family pictures. The couples holding hands. The angels and stars and hearts. The snow. The candles. The scarves and gloves. And, of course, the happiness. I want constant Christmas happiness throughout my whole life. But I guess that’s wishful thinking. I don’t even have you for Christmas…

***

It’s been one year. And December has come again. And still, you’re not here.

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